Cont;nued

My first experience with depression.

I was only in 6th grade. I knew what it was but I never thought I’ll have it at such a young age. I was probably 11-12 at the time where I felt like I had the Whole world on my shoulders. At this time I feel as if I have to be perfect l. I got everyone looking forward to me succeeding. Just felt so much pressure from everyone and that what made me overthink about myself. Made me question my abilities. I felt embarrassed anytime I got a bad grade or failed. I remember times I pretended I was sick so I wouldn’t have to go to school. Why? Because I was scared of dealing with reality. I always was the smart one who worried about his grades. But that 6th grade year I had one of the toughest and honest teachers who ever taught me. I was afraid of failing him, failing my family, and failing myself. The first time I didn’t go to school I was out for like a week or two. Came back for like 3 days or so. Still didn’t feel good in the head. Still felt scared and felt like I don’t belong here. I was only 11 with a mindset of an adult because I was force to grow up and mature at a young age. 
After those 3 days I came back, I disappeared 26 days from school. I was so lost and hurt back then. But I didn’t know what this illness was. Like why do I feel like such a failure? I tired to finish the year out. I remember returning on a school trip day to NY. I just felt so empty. I finished off the school year but was afraid that I wouldn’t passed but I did. And because of that I vowed to make sure the next year I wouldn’t miss a day and I would be on honor rolls. That’s what exactly I did. But I didn’t realize that was depression until I went through the same thing midway into high school. I was just a sophomore. 15-16 years old feeling exactly how I did a couple of years ago. But why? Is it just something wrong with me. 

The crazy thing is I didn’t connect the dots that i was depressed til later in my high school journey. I didn’t realize that I was a depressed little 6th grader. I didn’t realize how sad I was that I thought about leaving the earth at many points. How depression caused me to miss out on so many great opportunities. I fucked up a lot of great things. I lied to everyone about going to school. Truth is that I couldn’t do it. I felt so worthless that I didn’t like getting out of bed anymore. Sometimes I would get dress to go but I couldn’t walk out or being myself to go there. I felt so alone. I didn’t want to be here anymore man. As a boy you aren’t taught to express feelings. But no one taught me how to become a man. I had a lot of brother and sisters growing up. I only had my mom. My uncles weren’t really in my life except for 1 of them. But the thing about the men in the family, was that none of us had our fathers in our lives so they were figuring out the whole man situation themselves. I was never taught how to become one. I just learned from their own mistakes. So I couldn’t talk to family about it because I would feel as if they wouldn’t understand. All they was worried about was me getting good grades. But no one understands how or what I was going through. As I got older, so did my siblings. They had their own families, lives, kids, houses and bills. I was on my own with the responsibility of my little brother and mother to take care of. I was the man of the house at 16. Why me? Why is my journey so difficult? Why did my dad died? Why do I feel worthless? Why do I have to be depressed?

It got so bad to the point where I barely went to school my junior year. I miss 2 whole marking periods. Which resulted into me getting kicked out and sent to my neighborhood school South Philly High. At that moment I felt like I hit complete rock bottom. But the thing about my depression was I always kept fighting it. I always tried to be positive. I told myself I’m gonna flip the switch and do better my senior year. I lied to myself. The start of my senior year I went to school for only a month of September and didn’t return April 22. I couldn’t be in there because every time I was there it made me think of my mistakes and how bad I fucked things up. I did not know what the future was going to hold after that. But I came back to speak with my counselor, and we had a meeting with my mom, my sister, and some other lady. I was given a test and it came back saying I suffer from severe depression and ptsd. I needed help. That’s why I chose to get up and go speak with my counselor that day. I was tired of being a depressed person. Not only did it fuck me up but also the people who cared for me. On April 22 2018, I signed up for EOP and my life got better after that. They said I should go speak with someone about my depression and that I should take medicine for it. I tired that. I called the one place they told me to call but the lady gave me an altitude so I hung over and figure I’ll do this on my own. I didn’t think medicine would work so I never took it.

Fast forward a couple of months. My life have completely got better. I’m going to school and enjoying it. And I wasn’t alone. The first trimester I had my friend Devante with me.   And we both had our issues with school but manage to toughen it out. I didn’t feel alone. Karina was there too and we had the same classes which made me feel more comfortable. She’s like family to me. I wanted to graduate that June with my friends and graduating class but it was too late. I don’t question my journey anymore I just go along with it. The next school year was my projected graduation target. I feel comfortable with it. I started to gain my relationship back with myself and let me tell you. That is the most important relationship in life. The relationship with yourself. You have to trust yourself and live yourself to allow yourself to grow. Which made me more comfortable about the following school year was I got even more friends to join which made it more fun in the way yet inspiring. The trimester is over and I’m doing great. I got this life thing under control now. So I thought...

After the first trimester of the 2018-2019 school year I was ready to get school done with. I couldn’t sit for the new year, couldn’t wait to start it off with a bang. But that’s what literally happened. 

New Year’s Eve at 9:38 am. That was the last time I told my mother I love you and gave her one last physical hug. I was the last person she said I love you too. I knew something was wrong with her. I should’ve just been there with her. Because at 3:30 pm that day my life changed. I heard my little brother screaming mom’s outside on the floor. It’s raining, she only had a shirt on with pants and flip flops. I ran downstairs upset. Went outside to bring her in the house and things just went left. My mother had a falling accident. 

I spent the New Years in the hospital. Phone blowing up with a ton of concerns and prayers.  I just feel lost at that moment. Then I went to start questioning God again. Why God? I wont be able do any of the things I told her I was gonna do. She isn’t gonna be able to witness the goals I said I was gonna do. God Just why now? 

January 11th 2019, 5:37am was the day I lost you physically. But what was strange was that I prepared myself to be strong. I was prepared my whole life because everything I’ve went through was for a reason. My mother built me strong. I have her blood in me. I knew things wasn’t gonna be the same. I know I’m gonna be waking up in the middle of the nights crying. I know I’m just gonna have ransoms times where I miss you. But this is for the best. You’re not stressing or struggling anymore. You know I have my little brother back forever. Even though I lost the most important person in my life. I didn’t let that to stop 2019 from being my year. 

With that being said. 

I started a clothing line that was successful in my eyes the first year. 

I graduated high school. 

I was finally happy. 

I kept bettering myself more and more everyday. And it wouldn’t be possible without my support system. And especially the angels up above. 

I’ll say that 75% of my friends or people I know once wanted to end their own. Some suffer the depression I sometimes still suffer til this day and that’s the reason why I want to change that. I know what it likes to feel alone and worthless, I wouldn’t want anyone I love to feel that pain. 

To whoever reading this. I will always have your back like you had mines. Family is Forever.