Missing you

 The thing about grieving is that it’s forever. It’s not just a phase you will get past. It’s something you have to deal with and carry on your shoulders on a daily. Grieving could make you feel so much emotions but yet no emotions at the same time.  Some days you won’t feel it, but others the pain and emotional hits you like a wave. 

It’s been a few years since I lost my mother. But she wasn’t just my mother. She was a part of me. My backbone. Once I lost her. I literally lost a part of me. When you lose a part of yourself, you can’t function properly. You just have to learn to keep living and keep going without that person forever. So I did not just lose my mother. I lost a part of me forever.  A part of my heart that I feel as if I would never get back. 

Death is really hard to accept. Especially when you start to think about the regrets. Like I wish I could’ve spent more time with you before you left. Truth is I have never felt the same since you left. Everyday, it’s hard putting faith in every step. It’s hard trying to find peace in every breathe. It’s hard trying to smile with all this stress. But all It takes is one moment. One memory to bring you back to all that happiness their once was. The memories y’all once had. The good and the bad. Losing her. My backbone, really turned me into a mess. As time goes on I still will always drop tears for you. I will always question my strength to make it without you. But I know you wouldn’t want me to live like that. Unfortunately you learn to turn that pain into hustle. 

Grief isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes depending on how you work with that grief. It can turn you into something special. You have to learn how to turn that grief into a purpose. Your purpose. A purpose that your loved one would want to see you become. Sometimes grief could build that characteristic in you. Characteristics that you done even see in yourself. Because I really lost a lot of loved ones growing up. But I know I have to keep pushing. I have to keep being great because they’re watching me up there. They’re cheering me on. I have to live on not just for me. But for them because they’re no longer here to do that. They live through me now. I carry their name with pride in anything I do. When you can turn that grief into something special. It’s builds you as a person. Most times when you’re grieving, you’re anger or sad. Which is natural. But when you could turn that pain into beauty. You shine differently. Losing my mother helped me turn that pain into hustle. Knowing her she never complained. Just keep working at it. I’ve learned growing up that the pain or grief I dealt with helped strengthen and fulfill spaces in me that I lost from losing them. 

To those who still struggle with grieving. It’s going to always be okay. It’s okay to mourn and miss them. But just know they wouldn’t want to see you sad. Keep living it up for them. Keep making them proud. Keep their name alive. I know I lost a big part of me a few years ago. But there’s someone in my life who is filling in that love that I once lost. That part of me I thought was gone forever. I can’t thank her enough for it. Without you I’ll be walking through life with a big whole I’m my heart. But everyday I fall deeper and deeper in love with her and she fills that love my mom used to give me. My best friend. My stink stink. I appreciate you so more than you know.💜

Neva Fold

    Sometimes we stress ourselves too much with problems we can’t control. We put way too much unnecessary weight on top of our shoulders. Sometimes we care too much. Or worry too much. We think so much that at some point we make ourselves feel less of a person because of our fuck ups. But once you learn there’s only so much you can do. There’s only so much shit you can control in your life. You have to realize that in order to grow, you have to let that shit go. In order to reach for that future, let go of that past thats weighing you down. Stop living for others expectations. Start living for you.

    Past few months life been really just ups and downs. Highs and lows. Lately I’ve been really unhealthy. Unhappy with myself. No one else’s fault but me. I keep being mad at myself for it. But there’s no point of doing that if you aren’t going to do anything about the situation. You control your journey. You are the author of your story. You have the ability to make the chapter a good one, a bad one, or a learning one. Nothing will change if you don’t make the change. Everything starts and ends with you. 

      For my people struggling with this mental health battle, this life battle. It’s going to be okay. Not saying it just to say it. I know it. We hear that shit a lot. We just have to keep going. Put your head down and keep working. World ain’t stopping for anyone. That pain you got in you is not going to last forever. Keep going. Because if no one ain’t tell you yet. I am proud of you. Sometimes all we want is appreciation. Some love. Some acknowledgement. I see how hard you’re working on yourself. Even if no one see it or tell you. I am proud of you. This life shit is not easy at all. But that’s the beauty of it. Sometimes it’s really shitty that most of us go through way more than others. But that’s what builds us. That’s what make us. Pain build character. Turn that pain into hustle. We are a different breed remember that. 

     One thing about life though is that we will always continue to learn and grow. No matter the age. No matter how bad we fuck up sometimes. We will always have that chance to learn and grow from it. Never too late to fix your mistakes. You would only ever be a failure if you never go back and try again. Don’t quit don’t give in. Life is all about the highs and lows. Think of it like a lifeline. You want That shit to always going up and down. But when it stays in the middle, what’s does that mean? Exactly. We need the lows in life. No matter how low that shit can get, you will always get back to that top. 

     Keep fighting. Keep believing. Best believe you’re doing great. Remember Slow motion is better than no motion. Without struggle there’s no progress. And only the strongest survives in this game called life.

To My Heart

     My reason I stay afloat. The reason I continue to wake up and go hard everyday. My best friend. Thank you for being my safe place. My home. The reason my head is above the waters. You may not think I see the effort you put into us. But I see every little thing you do for me. Whether it’s making sure I eat to always asking if I’m okay. This letter is for you. To always say thank you for being my other half. Even when sometimes the world may be falling apart. You help keep it together. You help me keep me sane in this place of agony. 

      You have really been the safest place for me to become a man that I never thought I could be. You took a chance on the kid and that’s something I can’t thank you enough for. One of the greatest gift that god has ever given me. Thank you for not giving up on me when I was at my lowest. For always picking me up for all the times I’ve fallen. Life be whopping my ass a lot. So many times I just wanted to leave this place. Every time life would seem to be going good, there’s always come bs to come along with it. It’s annoying trying to be happy when it seem like the world is against you. But you showed me that I won’t ever have to fight my battles alone. You gave me the light to continue on that journey. 

     But for you. I know there’s day you feel as if you’re not good enough or you’re not where you wanna be yet. But I’m here to tell you I am so proud of you for being where you are right now. You have overcome more than you know. So much hard work and dedication that you don’t credit yourself for. You made it. And you will continue to make it remember that. Stop being hard on yourself. I know you want to be great and it will come. Be patient. Keep working. Keep being great. I will forever have your back just like you have mines. 

      As we continue to grow in ourselves and our relationship. I value every little thing about you. I’ve gone through a lot of relationships where it was past ones, friends or even family. When I say you’re my best friend. That’s literally what you are. Also my business partner and stink. But I know if things go left you will always be on my right to hold me down. Thank you. 

   To my folks reading this letter. If you’re in a relationship send this to that person you love. A lot of people take their relationship for granted. I see some people work their ass off for someone to give them a chance. But once they get that chance they don’t put that same effort or love into the relationship as before. Sometimes one person is putting in more effort than the other. Don’t lose something great because of your selfish acts. Yes self love is key but not if you’re doing it wrong. Value that person you love or someone else will. Your significant other is your most important person in your life other than yourself. A relationship takes 2 people. So don’t forget to love them. To cherish every moment you can. And to appreciate them every chance you get. But to my people who feel like you’re aren’t receiving the same love you get. Sad to say but it’s time to say goodbye to that chapter. Don’t let that toxicity into your life. Know your worth before it hurts you. 

Learn & Grow

 Been a while since I wrote one of these things. But I just felt like this was needed. Not only to just release how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through. But to connect to those who feel the same and don’t know what to do. 22 years young. Wow time have fly past so fast. So fast that you gotta make sure you take a moment to appreciate life. Take in those little moments. Appreciate those around you before it’s too late. Most importantly appreciate yourself for how far you’ve came. Some of you may feel like your kind of lost in life. Or feel like you’ve failed. True is we need to get lost once is in awhile. Everyone’s has a little bump on the road during their path. Some may get lost and take wrong turns. But it’s all about getting back to the right path and getting back on track. 

It’s okay to get lost and not know what to do with your life. Just can’t give up on yourself. For me I know one day I don’t wanna work a 9-5 anymore really. I don’t want to keep working for someone. One day I want to be my own boss. I want to build wealth. Not just for me but for my next generation. For now I just have to keep my head down and keep working. Keep growing and improving myself everyday. Some days I don’t feel like doing anything. Days where I feel like I’m back into my depressed days. Probably some of the darkest days I’ve ever gone through. But Sometimes we have to do what we have to do. Being an adult I realize the world don’t stop for nobody. Take some time to be sad then snap back into reality and get going. 

Failure = Learning. There’s days where I definitely feel like I failed at life. But my problem was that I kept comparing myself to others people lives. And that’s one of biggest reasons we start to lost faith in ourselves. Because we be comparing us to others. Everyone has their own journey. They own path of getting there. Take your own time. You’re still young. Don’t feel like you’re left behind because they’re ahead. It’s not a race but a marathon. Most important you have to do is keep growing and never give up on yourself. Never lost faith in your abilities. Things have for a reason. We won’t know why at the moment. But we will eventually. 

Almost 2 years since I haven’t wrote. Life been pretty busy. That adult life is not a joke man I’ll tell you. I swear it’s like every week it’s a bill coming through the mail. But this is the life that we would’ve had to live eventually. I just wish I could’ve stayed a kid a little longer. Wished I haven’t had to grow up faster than others did. But like I said we all had to do things we didn’t want too. Some get dealt great hands and others not so great. But we have to play it out no matter what. Bet on yourself and double down. 

 

I hope some of y’all that’s reading this is doing your best in life. If no one told you yet I am so fuckingproud of you. Proud that you haven’t gave up on yourself yet. You’ve overcame a lot of shit. Be proud of yourself and all the progress you’ve done. Even if no one notices. You did that shit. You’re a different breed homie. Make sure whatever pain or whatever you holding on too that’s making you sinking let that shit go so you can grow. Just accept it and keep going. Thank you for reading this. I hope you could relate in a way and it help you give yourself more strength to keep going. Remember you got this. If no one believe in you. You got yourself. And you got me. ONLY THE STRONGEST SURVIVE

Lost

These past couple weeks haven’t been the greatest for me. I’ve been feeling lost. It’s been feeling as if life be going great at one point but then shit just hits rock bottom once again and being quarantined while depressed doesn’t help the situation.  I haven’t been able to sleep because I just be up thinking. 

That overthinking shit really does just kills you. It makes you feel really hopeless. On top of those things I’ve been going through. I’ve been really missing my mom. When you lose someone you start to think about the good memories you had with that person. But with the good, also comes the bad memories of them.

 I suffer from severe depression and post traumatic stress disorder. When they first said I suffer from PTSD I thought only people who went to war and stuff got that. I didn’t really understand it until I started to think back at it like damn I really seen some fucked up shit growing up in this world. I experienced so much trauma and pain at such a young age. Maybe that’s the reason why I’m like this. No matter what happens I always try to stay up. I always try to stay motivated and keep my spirits up. But it’s fucking hard. The only thing I been constantly thinking about is just what’s next. What is possible the next move in my life.

 I wake up everyday questioning myself. My abilities. I make myself feel insecure. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and that really scares me. 

At this point I usually try and say something motivational. But to be honest. I haven’t been feeling like that. Life is a really hard thing. The only thing I truly know is that this pain I’ve been going through isn’t going to last forever.

June is usually one of my favorite months. One  reasons of that is because that’s my birthday month. It’s the one day of the year where I could just be happy because I am surrounded by a bunch of love and people that care for me. But the whole month of June was just really tough on me. Some things we do when shit get bad is we question a lot. We question our ability. We question our life. We question God. We say to ourselves why the fuck am I going through this? I just want to be happy. Is that so hard? From my past experience though I learn not to question anything anymore. From what I experience, all those trials and tribulations helped shaped me into a stronger person. It helped me grow mentally. It helped me become the man I and today. Deep down I wish I wasn’t going through shit. I wish life was easier on me. But it’s not. Life is not easy. You just got to keep finding ways to get through it. 

This blog is going to be a little different. This is just how I been feeling this past couple weeks. I know some of you who read my blogs may be feeling lost in this world. And sometimes you just want to vent to someone somewhere. This is your chance.  If you want. I’m all open ears. I could share it or just listen. I know how hard it is to go through something and not having anyone to talk too. I know how hard it is to be alone or feel alone sometimes. That’s why I always want to make sure everyone I care about is okay. For me my support system is why I always keep going. From my girlfriend, to my close friends and to my family. It’s good to be around people who care and love you. And if you feel alone or abandon. If you feel as if you don’t have anyone to speak to or you just need help getting through life. I am here. I am here to tell you that if no one got you. I got you. I maybe not be there physically going through it with you. But just know I’m fighting demons just like you. I have my bad days just like you. We are human. We go through pain and hardships. But I know you’re strong and capable enough to get back on top. If you feel lost, hopefully this can help you get in the right track. 

P.S if you really feel like you need someone to talk to. I am here. Message me. 

@Cambodian_Dev on Instagram

@Cambodiandev on Twitter

    Devonvsim@gmail.com Email

Positivity is key

It was hard for me to stay positive at times. Especially at some points in my life when things just felt hopeless. So how did I become a positive person? Well first I just changed my mindset and aspect of life. See you’re the only person in your life who is capable to change the story of your LIFE. Trust me everyone have their days but you make sure you don’t dwell on them. Don’t feed that negativity. It’s about that comeback after those dark days. You fall down 9 times but get back up the 10th. You just have to train your mind to make you feel as if you’re capable to do anything in life. To even be happy. 

I used to wake up some morning. Get up and ready for school but I always felt down. I wasn’t motivated really. So I just stayed home and slept all day. I just kept feeding that negative energy and it got to the point where I didn’t want to leave my room. I didn’t want to be apart of the outside world. I was just sleeping to get by my days and my depression.  Deep down I knew I wanted to change. But it was just so hard when all I felt was despair. One day my mom had to enroll me back to school because of how many days I missed. April 22, 2018.  That was the day I knew I really had to change and  get my life back together. I went back into school. Took me a journey but I finished. 

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Never forget that. What helped me throughout that whole journey was just staying positive everyday. Just getting up and going. Training my mind to stay positive so I won’t fall back into that hole I was once in. At times I do feel as if I’m falling back in. I still have my days where my mind is filled with negativity. But the next day I wake up and it’s a new day. Blank page. Fresh start. Time to continue the story. 

Also, momentum and consistency played a big role. As I wake up every day I had a goal within myself. I made sure to always feel proud of myself for getting up out bed and chasing a goal. I did it everyday to the point where my mind just became so adjusted to the hustle and commitment. Having a positive mindset towards things will always everything in life much easier. You realize how valuable time is. How life is. You become much more appreciative. But most important happy. 

Some of you might be going through a dark time in your life and you might be looking for a light to help guide you through. Hopefully this could be that light. No matter what punches life tries to throw at you. Counter it and swing right back. Why? Because you’re capable to do anything in life. Continue to spark that fire in you so the whole world can see your brightness. 

A heartache unlike no other

My first experience with death was with my father. I was only about 2 years old when it happened and I didn’t know much about it or him. The only clear memory I had of him was his funeral. I just remember being carried by my oldest brother. Staring at him in his all white suit and watching people place a red rose on him. I remember having my red rose in my hand and just placing it right on his chest. I was 2 years old and that was my final goodbye of my father. I remember seeing the flame of the cremation. I had no clue of what have just happened. I wish he was still here. I wish he could’ve taught me how to become a man. The pain of him leaving didn’t really hit me until I got older. But from just hearing all these cool and funny stories about him. How good of a guy he was. How much my mother loved him. I knew he was a great guy. Sad that I couldn’t experience any of that love.

The next person who I lost that really impacted my life was my mother. She was the most important person in my life. She made sure I kept going. She sacrificed so much for me and my family. Survived a whole genocide while taking care of her younger brothers. This woman strength was unlike any other. The day I lost her. I lost a piece of myself. I felt like a big chunk of my heart was gone. Some nights I used to wake up crying because of how much I missed her. This pain hit different. A mother’s love isn’t like any other. I wish she was able to see me graduate. I wish I could’ve bought that house for her sooner. I wish she was still here. But things happen for a reason. Even though she’s not here anymore I know she’s in a better place. A place where there’s no more struggle and suffering. That’s why I can’t be selfish or mad because the way we was living. The way we had to grow up. I wouldn’t want that for her anymore.

People say death leaves a heartache unlike no other and sadly it’s the truth. It’s hard picturing a life without someone you love. Someone you seen almost everyday.

So how do we get over losing a loved one? I realized. You don’t. Some days may be harder than other days because you might miss them a little more. From my experience with it. I know that physically they aren’t here anymore. But spirituality they will always be inside my heart and watching over me. Sometimes you have to let them know that you’re okay. Accept the fact that physically they aren’t with you anymore. They say when you go into a garden you try and pick out the most beautiful flower there. I try to believe that’s why God decided to take those we loved. 

If you’re reading this and you ever lost a love one. Just know they always looking down on you. Watching over your shoulder and always in your heart. All you have to do is live on for them and keep making them proud. There’s going to be the days where you miss you them physically. Days where all you want is a hug or just a conversation with them. Those days are where you become even stronger. Everything that happens in life is for a reason. You might not know that reason right then and there. But when you continue to grow it’s going to hit you. Continue to be great for those you love and for those that loved you.