Lost

These past couple weeks haven’t been the greatest for me. I’ve been feeling lost. It’s been feeling as if life be going great at one point but then shit just hits rock bottom once again and being quarantined while depressed doesn’t help the situation.  I haven’t been able to sleep because I just be up thinking. 

That overthinking shit really does just kills you. It makes you feel really hopeless. On top of those things I’ve been going through. I’ve been really missing my mom. When you lose someone you start to think about the good memories you had with that person. But with the good, also comes the bad memories of them.

 I suffer from severe depression and post traumatic stress disorder. When they first said I suffer from PTSD I thought only people who went to war and stuff got that. I didn’t really understand it until I started to think back at it like damn I really seen some fucked up shit growing up in this world. I experienced so much trauma and pain at such a young age. Maybe that’s the reason why I’m like this. No matter what happens I always try to stay up. I always try to stay motivated and keep my spirits up. But it’s fucking hard. The only thing I been constantly thinking about is just what’s next. What is possible the next move in my life.

 I wake up everyday questioning myself. My abilities. I make myself feel insecure. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and that really scares me. 

At this point I usually try and say something motivational. But to be honest. I haven’t been feeling like that. Life is a really hard thing. The only thing I truly know is that this pain I’ve been going through isn’t going to last forever.

June is usually one of my favorite months. One  reasons of that is because that’s my birthday month. It’s the one day of the year where I could just be happy because I am surrounded by a bunch of love and people that care for me. But the whole month of June was just really tough on me. Some things we do when shit get bad is we question a lot. We question our ability. We question our life. We question God. We say to ourselves why the fuck am I going through this? I just want to be happy. Is that so hard? From my past experience though I learn not to question anything anymore. From what I experience, all those trials and tribulations helped shaped me into a stronger person. It helped me grow mentally. It helped me become the man I and today. Deep down I wish I wasn’t going through shit. I wish life was easier on me. But it’s not. Life is not easy. You just got to keep finding ways to get through it. 

This blog is going to be a little different. This is just how I been feeling this past couple weeks. I know some of you who read my blogs may be feeling lost in this world. And sometimes you just want to vent to someone somewhere. This is your chance.  If you want. I’m all open ears. I could share it or just listen. I know how hard it is to go through something and not having anyone to talk too. I know how hard it is to be alone or feel alone sometimes. That’s why I always want to make sure everyone I care about is okay. For me my support system is why I always keep going. From my girlfriend, to my close friends and to my family. It’s good to be around people who care and love you. And if you feel alone or abandon. If you feel as if you don’t have anyone to speak to or you just need help getting through life. I am here. I am here to tell you that if no one got you. I got you. I maybe not be there physically going through it with you. But just know I’m fighting demons just like you. I have my bad days just like you. We are human. We go through pain and hardships. But I know you’re strong and capable enough to get back on top. If you feel lost, hopefully this can help you get in the right track. 

P.S if you really feel like you need someone to talk to. I am here. Message me. 

@Cambodian_Dev on Instagram

@Cambodiandev on Twitter

    Devonvsim@gmail.com Email

Positivity is key

It was hard for me to stay positive at times. Especially at some points in my life when things just felt hopeless. So how did I become a positive person? Well first I just changed my mindset and aspect of life. See you’re the only person in your life who is capable to change the story of your LIFE. Trust me everyone have their days but you make sure you don’t dwell on them. Don’t feed that negativity. It’s about that comeback after those dark days. You fall down 9 times but get back up the 10th. You just have to train your mind to make you feel as if you’re capable to do anything in life. To even be happy. 

I used to wake up some morning. Get up and ready for school but I always felt down. I wasn’t motivated really. So I just stayed home and slept all day. I just kept feeding that negative energy and it got to the point where I didn’t want to leave my room. I didn’t want to be apart of the outside world. I was just sleeping to get by my days and my depression.  Deep down I knew I wanted to change. But it was just so hard when all I felt was despair. One day my mom had to enroll me back to school because of how many days I missed. April 22, 2018.  That was the day I knew I really had to change and  get my life back together. I went back into school. Took me a journey but I finished. 

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Never forget that. What helped me throughout that whole journey was just staying positive everyday. Just getting up and going. Training my mind to stay positive so I won’t fall back into that hole I was once in. At times I do feel as if I’m falling back in. I still have my days where my mind is filled with negativity. But the next day I wake up and it’s a new day. Blank page. Fresh start. Time to continue the story. 

Also, momentum and consistency played a big role. As I wake up every day I had a goal within myself. I made sure to always feel proud of myself for getting up out bed and chasing a goal. I did it everyday to the point where my mind just became so adjusted to the hustle and commitment. Having a positive mindset towards things will always everything in life much easier. You realize how valuable time is. How life is. You become much more appreciative. But most important happy. 

Some of you might be going through a dark time in your life and you might be looking for a light to help guide you through. Hopefully this could be that light. No matter what punches life tries to throw at you. Counter it and swing right back. Why? Because you’re capable to do anything in life. Continue to spark that fire in you so the whole world can see your brightness. 

A heartache unlike no other

My first experience with death was with my father. I was only about 2 years old when it happened and I didn’t know much about it or him. The only clear memory I had of him was his funeral. I just remember being carried by my oldest brother. Staring at him in his all white suit and watching people place a red rose on him. I remember having my red rose in my hand and just placing it right on his chest. I was 2 years old and that was my final goodbye of my father. I remember seeing the flame of the cremation. I had no clue of what have just happened. I wish he was still here. I wish he could’ve taught me how to become a man. The pain of him leaving didn’t really hit me until I got older. But from just hearing all these cool and funny stories about him. How good of a guy he was. How much my mother loved him. I knew he was a great guy. Sad that I couldn’t experience any of that love.

The next person who I lost that really impacted my life was my mother. She was the most important person in my life. She made sure I kept going. She sacrificed so much for me and my family. Survived a whole genocide while taking care of her younger brothers. This woman strength was unlike any other. The day I lost her. I lost a piece of myself. I felt like a big chunk of my heart was gone. Some nights I used to wake up crying because of how much I missed her. This pain hit different. A mother’s love isn’t like any other. I wish she was able to see me graduate. I wish I could’ve bought that house for her sooner. I wish she was still here. But things happen for a reason. Even though she’s not here anymore I know she’s in a better place. A place where there’s no more struggle and suffering. That’s why I can’t be selfish or mad because the way we was living. The way we had to grow up. I wouldn’t want that for her anymore.

People say death leaves a heartache unlike no other and sadly it’s the truth. It’s hard picturing a life without someone you love. Someone you seen almost everyday.

So how do we get over losing a loved one? I realized. You don’t. Some days may be harder than other days because you might miss them a little more. From my experience with it. I know that physically they aren’t here anymore. But spirituality they will always be inside my heart and watching over me. Sometimes you have to let them know that you’re okay. Accept the fact that physically they aren’t with you anymore. They say when you go into a garden you try and pick out the most beautiful flower there. I try to believe that’s why God decided to take those we loved. 

If you’re reading this and you ever lost a love one. Just know they always looking down on you. Watching over your shoulder and always in your heart. All you have to do is live on for them and keep making them proud. There’s going to be the days where you miss you them physically. Days where all you want is a hug or just a conversation with them. Those days are where you become even stronger. Everything that happens in life is for a reason. You might not know that reason right then and there. But when you continue to grow it’s going to hit you. Continue to be great for those you love and for those that loved you. 

Weathering The Storm

I always questioned life back then. Questioned God like why am I in this position? That’s how miserable life was for me. It was so bad that I contemplated on taking my life a few times. But I thank God I didn’t. I realize you’re put into these difficult situations to either learn from it or to grow from it. I was so young dealing with the world on my shoulders. See I didn’t grow up in the best situations but I learned to make the best out of every situation. Growing up sometimes it was a bit difficult I’m not even going to lie. I remember those cold winter nights with no heat and no hot water. But I didn’t complain about it because we just continued to adjust to it. It was even so cold sometimes that we had to turn on the oven and the burners on the stove for the house to heat up. See I experienced so much at a young age that  I thought that type of lifestyle was normal. 

This one time the power got turned off for a while. But my family made the best out of it. My older siblings bought coolers and ice to store food in. They bought a bunch of candles for light when it was night time. We played games together and basically bonded as a family. Those moments were priceless and I wouldn’t have it any different. That was when I was a kid though and I thought those days were over but somehow it continue on when I got older. I didn’t complain though. I knew my mom worked her ass off so I did what my older siblings did back then. Made sure my mom sister and little brother was always straight. Made sure they had candles and supplies. That there was food in there stomachs. There’s isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my family.

Only a few could relate to them stories. That why I’m grateful for anything and everything I have. I always wish I grew up in a wealthy lifestyle, but that wasn’t the case. Instead I was taught and shown how to get it from the muscle. All those cold and hungry nights I experienced I knew would go away sooner or later. I knew there was a beauty within that struggle. That type of lifestyle I grew up in helped me carried myself to always be grateful and thankful. To never act like I’m better than a person because of what I have or the amount of money in my pocket. I know what it felt like to be broke so there’s no reason for me to brag. Remain humble until your time comes was always the mindset for me. 

Those of you may be fighting your biggest battles right now. You may even feel like your  losing that battle. But trust me, never give up on yourself. I always felt like I was useless in this world. Until I had friends telling me how inspirational I was. Telling me how much they look up to me and how they admire me for continuing life even after all the bullshit life threw at me. You might have someone right now who’s looking up or depending on you to keep going. You have people who love you. People who care for you. Don’t let them down. Don’t let yourself down. They say God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers and in the end that battle you’ve been fighting for so long will be worth it all. That storm isn’t going to last forever and that sun will shine again.  

  

If you’re still rocking with me at this point. You loved and support doesn’t go unnoticed and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Loving you

That four letter word can get tricky at times. But that’s when you live and learn. I had a couple of bad experiences and some grateful experiences with it. But I don’t regret anything that happened throughout the past because at the end of it I’ve grown more within myself. This part of the obstacle helped me with the self love relationship with myself. 

I wasn’t really into relationships until I was in high school. Those high school days were one of my difficult yet most blessed experiences in my life. I was young and just chasing after someone to love me. I always tried to be the good guy or a person someone could lean on. But it was so difficult to be a good guy when people just kept taking advantage of how kind you was. Especially when you have friends telling you that person isn’t no good but you don’t care because you always try to see the best in a person no matter what. I learned my lesson the hard way. But still I wouldn’t be where I am without it. 

    

Going through those things in high school kind of just mixed together with my depression and just made me even more sad. I would just be up on a school night questioning my self worth. Again I thought how can I love myself if no one else can? So here’s me doing the same thing I did in the past and stay being the nice guy. Hoping that person would notice and stop trying to go for jerks and dickheads. But no, the same things just keep happening. At this point I’m tired of it all. I was tired of giving a mile for someone who would only give a footstep. 

You’ll think I learned my lesson of not falling in love to easy the second time. Nope. Here I am falling for someone again. I think I get attached to easily, that was just something I was learning more and more about myself. It’s one of those things you have to learn to change about yourself. I had to change the way I carried myself. Made sure to not give up on myself so easily because deep down I know I didn’t take a loss. They did. I know anyone would be lucky to have a person like me. Call me selfish but I call it confidence. It took me a lot of late nights and bike rides with my best friends to find out that. They made sure I knew what my worth was and For that I’m forever thankful. you might not see it in yourself but other people do. You’re special and you’re wonderful in your own ways. If the one person you want can’t see that then they aren’t the right one for you.

All it takes is for one person to see that beauty in you. Guess what? I think I found that someone. Here comes along that someone who is funny, smart, unique and beautiful. But most importantly, someone who showed me the beauty of life. I tell her this every chance I can. She is a big reason I am alive today. Any battle I faced in life she was right next to me and I made sure to do the same thing for her. She saved me man. she made me learn how to love myself first, and most important she showed me the light in that darkness. Trust me our relationship isn’t perfect but I wouldn’t replace her for anyone in the world. That’s why I don’t regret anything that happened in the past because I wouldn’t be with who I am right now. Love was just a word until she showed me the meaning of it. In the end I look at it as if God sent her into my life because he knew I needed saving. So I look at her as an angel in disguise sent from above. We’ve been together for almost 4 years and I wouldn’t trade those years back for anyone. 

If you’re experiencing some difficulties with love. Don’t rush anything. When the time is perfect, that perfect someone will come. Don’t acknowledge anyone who doesn’t see the real 

Beauty in you. You have to learn to love yourself. In order to love others.
Thank you for taking the time out to continue reading my blogs. Your love don’t go unnoticed.

Alone but not lonely

    Back then I always thought I needed people to know what happiness or what love felt like. I always depended on others for that. Why? I was scared that if I ain’t have people in my life I wouldn’t be happy or loved. I was always afraid of losing people really and I tried everything I could to make sure people didn’t leave me. But they still left. Growing up I was always kind hearted person, I always made sure to have a good heart and to don’t let no one take that from me. It was the way I grew up. But you see there’s pros and cons of that. I learned that having a good heart, a lot people will take advantage of that.

    Sometimes family and friends only needed me when they wanted something from me. It took so much time for me to focus on myself, but once i did that. I felt the most accomplished I’ve ever been in my life. I developed a relationship with myself to make sure I would never feel alone anymore. To make sure I wouldn’t need to call on others for my happiness. Sometimes to build a relationship with yourself, you might have to cut off the world. But it’s not like you turning your back on people. You’re just trying to better yourself and if they get mad at you for that. Then that’s when the true colors start showing. 

   People can’t be mad at you for you trying to better yourself and for those who are mad are only mad at the fact that you’re doing way more than what they’re doing in life. So what they will try to do is break you. Those people will make you fall and crumble so you can be back at the same level as them. Sometimes it will be the closest one’s around you. But whatever they do, don’t let them break you down. 

   If you’re struggling with trying to love or appreciating yourself. You’re not alone. Just start thinking more highly of yourself. Building a relationship with yourself is far more important than any other relationship in life. Why? Because you’re with yourself 24 hours in a day. You are the most important person in your life. Not only will your mentality strengthen with self love but you will always be more appreciative of things. Your bad days are other people good days. Remember that.

   So forget about what people think about you. Don’t feel scared to fly. You’re the only one capable of what can happen to your life. You don’t need others to feel special because you’re special. Continue to spark that fire in you so the world can see how bright you shine. 

 Thank you for taking the time to read my stuff. I appreciate you a ton for that. Love yourself.

Cont;nued

My first experience with depression.

I was only in 6th grade. I knew what it was but I never thought I’ll have it at such a young age. I was probably 11-12 at the time where I felt like I had the Whole world on my shoulders. At this time I feel as if I have to be perfect l. I got everyone looking forward to me succeeding. Just felt so much pressure from everyone and that what made me overthink about myself. Made me question my abilities. I felt embarrassed anytime I got a bad grade or failed. I remember times I pretended I was sick so I wouldn’t have to go to school. Why? Because I was scared of dealing with reality. I always was the smart one who worried about his grades. But that 6th grade year I had one of the toughest and honest teachers who ever taught me. I was afraid of failing him, failing my family, and failing myself. The first time I didn’t go to school I was out for like a week or two. Came back for like 3 days or so. Still didn’t feel good in the head. Still felt scared and felt like I don’t belong here. I was only 11 with a mindset of an adult because I was force to grow up and mature at a young age. 
After those 3 days I came back, I disappeared 26 days from school. I was so lost and hurt back then. But I didn’t know what this illness was. Like why do I feel like such a failure? I tired to finish the year out. I remember returning on a school trip day to NY. I just felt so empty. I finished off the school year but was afraid that I wouldn’t passed but I did. And because of that I vowed to make sure the next year I wouldn’t miss a day and I would be on honor rolls. That’s what exactly I did. But I didn’t realize that was depression until I went through the same thing midway into high school. I was just a sophomore. 15-16 years old feeling exactly how I did a couple of years ago. But why? Is it just something wrong with me. 

The crazy thing is I didn’t connect the dots that i was depressed til later in my high school journey. I didn’t realize that I was a depressed little 6th grader. I didn’t realize how sad I was that I thought about leaving the earth at many points. How depression caused me to miss out on so many great opportunities. I fucked up a lot of great things. I lied to everyone about going to school. Truth is that I couldn’t do it. I felt so worthless that I didn’t like getting out of bed anymore. Sometimes I would get dress to go but I couldn’t walk out or being myself to go there. I felt so alone. I didn’t want to be here anymore man. As a boy you aren’t taught to express feelings. But no one taught me how to become a man. I had a lot of brother and sisters growing up. I only had my mom. My uncles weren’t really in my life except for 1 of them. But the thing about the men in the family, was that none of us had our fathers in our lives so they were figuring out the whole man situation themselves. I was never taught how to become one. I just learned from their own mistakes. So I couldn’t talk to family about it because I would feel as if they wouldn’t understand. All they was worried about was me getting good grades. But no one understands how or what I was going through. As I got older, so did my siblings. They had their own families, lives, kids, houses and bills. I was on my own with the responsibility of my little brother and mother to take care of. I was the man of the house at 16. Why me? Why is my journey so difficult? Why did my dad died? Why do I feel worthless? Why do I have to be depressed?

It got so bad to the point where I barely went to school my junior year. I miss 2 whole marking periods. Which resulted into me getting kicked out and sent to my neighborhood school South Philly High. At that moment I felt like I hit complete rock bottom. But the thing about my depression was I always kept fighting it. I always tried to be positive. I told myself I’m gonna flip the switch and do better my senior year. I lied to myself. The start of my senior year I went to school for only a month of September and didn’t return April 22. I couldn’t be in there because every time I was there it made me think of my mistakes and how bad I fucked things up. I did not know what the future was going to hold after that. But I came back to speak with my counselor, and we had a meeting with my mom, my sister, and some other lady. I was given a test and it came back saying I suffer from severe depression and ptsd. I needed help. That’s why I chose to get up and go speak with my counselor that day. I was tired of being a depressed person. Not only did it fuck me up but also the people who cared for me. On April 22 2018, I signed up for EOP and my life got better after that. They said I should go speak with someone about my depression and that I should take medicine for it. I tired that. I called the one place they told me to call but the lady gave me an altitude so I hung over and figure I’ll do this on my own. I didn’t think medicine would work so I never took it.

Fast forward a couple of months. My life have completely got better. I’m going to school and enjoying it. And I wasn’t alone. The first trimester I had my friend Devante with me.   And we both had our issues with school but manage to toughen it out. I didn’t feel alone. Karina was there too and we had the same classes which made me feel more comfortable. She’s like family to me. I wanted to graduate that June with my friends and graduating class but it was too late. I don’t question my journey anymore I just go along with it. The next school year was my projected graduation target. I feel comfortable with it. I started to gain my relationship back with myself and let me tell you. That is the most important relationship in life. The relationship with yourself. You have to trust yourself and live yourself to allow yourself to grow. Which made me more comfortable about the following school year was I got even more friends to join which made it more fun in the way yet inspiring. The trimester is over and I’m doing great. I got this life thing under control now. So I thought...

After the first trimester of the 2018-2019 school year I was ready to get school done with. I couldn’t sit for the new year, couldn’t wait to start it off with a bang. But that’s what literally happened. 

New Year’s Eve at 9:38 am. That was the last time I told my mother I love you and gave her one last physical hug. I was the last person she said I love you too. I knew something was wrong with her. I should’ve just been there with her. Because at 3:30 pm that day my life changed. I heard my little brother screaming mom’s outside on the floor. It’s raining, she only had a shirt on with pants and flip flops. I ran downstairs upset. Went outside to bring her in the house and things just went left. My mother had a falling accident. 

I spent the New Years in the hospital. Phone blowing up with a ton of concerns and prayers.  I just feel lost at that moment. Then I went to start questioning God again. Why God? I wont be able do any of the things I told her I was gonna do. She isn’t gonna be able to witness the goals I said I was gonna do. God Just why now? 

January 11th 2019, 5:37am was the day I lost you physically. But what was strange was that I prepared myself to be strong. I was prepared my whole life because everything I’ve went through was for a reason. My mother built me strong. I have her blood in me. I knew things wasn’t gonna be the same. I know I’m gonna be waking up in the middle of the nights crying. I know I’m just gonna have ransoms times where I miss you. But this is for the best. You’re not stressing or struggling anymore. You know I have my little brother back forever. Even though I lost the most important person in my life. I didn’t let that to stop 2019 from being my year. 

With that being said. 

I started a clothing line that was successful in my eyes the first year. 

I graduated high school. 

I was finally happy. 

I kept bettering myself more and more everyday. And it wouldn’t be possible without my support system. And especially the angels up above. 

I’ll say that 75% of my friends or people I know once wanted to end their own. Some suffer the depression I sometimes still suffer til this day and that’s the reason why I want to change that. I know what it likes to feel alone and worthless, I wouldn’t want anyone I love to feel that pain. 

To whoever reading this. I will always have your back like you had mines. Family is Forever.